January 10, 2008 by fbk.

More and more in my working life, I seem to encounter bloviators.

Over a year ago now, I was helping out on a project, and needed some information and clarification to get them where they wanted to be.  The executive in charge tried to answer my question, and his lack of true knowledge didn’t stop him from unleashing a torrent of words to flood the Mississippi and entire Midwest.  Now, I wound up having a very good relationship with this fellow, and we are working together again, but he’s a man who talks.

Eight months ago, I was on a two-week assignment, and 90% of it was hearing the engagement lead go on and on about how we couldn’t do what we were supposed to do because we didn’t have the knowledge.  When I finally paid enough attention to figure out what the windbag was going on about, I pointed out that we did know enough, and then took over the project and started assigning jobs to the other people, who were all senior to me.  It took me fifteen minutes to accomplish what he spent hours saying couldn’t be done.

Previous and subsequent to that, I had to put up with another fellow, not nearly as bad, but still one who talked too much.This fellow was a geek about certain topics, and could go on forever about them, whether he actually knew anything or not.

Then there was the Alpha Bore, who has been the topic of a few posts here.

Now, on a new project, I once again encounter another bloviator.  If he’s on the phone, one question can spur him to review the whole project history and future.  An e-mail with a simple statement or two can get a return reiterating everything that was said three times.

When did we shift idolizing from the strong, silent type to the chatty, say-nothing huckster?  When did men start thinking it was okay to say nothing, so long as it was said in quantity?  Was it a matter of the wars of the last century that turned men into taciturn doers rather than tsunamis of statements?  Whatever the cause, give me men who speak seldom and move the world with their actions.

Posted in Human Nature, Culture, Manners | Print | No Comments »

December 1, 2007 by fbk.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to put up with poor manners on the part of a decently attractive member of the opposite sex?  Things I’d strangle a man for, I just shrug my shoulders when a pretty woman does it.  Thinking about this recently, I was wondering if I’m really a total, unreconstructed chauvinist male of another era, or if it’s just something deep-seated in human nature.

One example is talking too much.  Dominating conversations is certainly an example of poor manners.  Admittedly, my standard of what constitutes talking too much may be more stringent than most anyone else’s, but people ought to watch cues and stop or slow down on the cascade of chatter.  But, with a lovely lady, I might just stop listening to what she’s saying and think about other things, rather than interrupt her or send her on her way, as I would with a gentleman who violated the same rules.

Yes, for any who are curious, the drift of my thoughts does tend to go toward, “I wonder what she’d be like in bed,” or, “I wonder what she’d be like in bed with a ball gag?”  I am a male, after all.  For instance, in my youth, I had this one supervisor with magnificent legs…

But, is it really a favour to such women not to stop their rudeness?  (Well, with my former supervisor, I really had no choice, and her legs were exquisite.  Did she think that my eyes were tilted down out of respect for what she was saying?)  Wouldn’t it be better to stop them and help coach them on being concise?  And wouldn’t it save trouble later when something has to get done quickly, and you have to send the little chatterbox out of the room to get the work done?  I have a feeling that this is a much more universal trait.  Why else would the phrase, “Yes, dear,” ever have come into the lexicon?  It’s purely a statement said by someone thinking of the efficacy of ball gags, while not paying attention to the chatter.  So, I’m fairly sure this trait is universal among men. 

I don’t know if it’s true of women, though.  If a real “dreamboat” sails by and is dominating the conversation, do woman tune out, nod occasionally, and think about the man’s features?  Of course, this really begs the question whether women ever pay any attention to anything a man ever says, or if they’re always focused on their internal monologues.  I’ve certainly known some women who paid attention and conversed equally.  But I’m nobody’s dreamboat, more of a nightmare harbor tug.  So, what about it, ladies?  Do you do the same as men, and let things pass more when the person being rude is pleasing in other ways?

Posted in Human Nature, Manners | Print | 2 Comments »

December 1, 2007 by fbk.

In an earlier post, I mentioned a fellow I called the Alpha Bore.  Despite the promise to myself, I have been to dinner with him several more times.  And a few of those times, we dined together alone.  He has shattered all of my theories about him.  When dining alone with him, he is really quite good company.  There were companionable silences.  There was conversational back-and-forth.  The few stories he told were new, funny, interesting, and appropriate to the conversation.  So, I must come up with new theories to explain his behaviour with the larger audience.

The best initial theory I have developed is self-defense.  Did I mention the other fellow we are often out with is also a bore?  So, maybe he talks to preclude this other guy from carrying on?  He had worked with this fellow before, and they had eaten dinner together many times.  Maybe, the Alpha Bore had just heard the other fellow’s geek-out topics too many times and developed this strategy as a defensive ploy?  The only semi-hole in this theory is that he was also this way when it was a different third person.  Now, that person is pleasant enough.  Even when on geek-out subjects, it’s easy enough not to mind.   (Perhaps another post about that later?)  But perhaps the Alpha had also had enough of that person in previous assignments?  This is possible.  The only thing is that I know that I’d bore myself with such a strategy.  If the company talks too much, I’d rather ignore them than try to out-bore them.  Still, it could be an explanation for this fellow.

Another explanantion that I’ve tried to fit onto the fellow, is that maybe when we’re out with a larger group, the other members are responding with interest to his stories.  Maybe when we’re one-on-one, he picks up on strong cues from me to just-shut-up-and-eat-I-want-to-watch-people-not-hear-you-babble.  But it strains credulity that anyone could be responding with that much interest.  And I was watching the others to a certain extent.  I really didn’t notice anything that would bring on such a thorough cascade of words.

Another theory is that he likes to show off in a crowd.  After all, he isn’t bad when it’s just the two of us.  Maybe it’s larger groups where he feels the need to be dominant?  This theory might be workable to explain things, although maybe the word dominant is the key?

I did tag this fellow the Alpha Bore.  And maybe it really is an Alpha thing.  Could it be that he only feels the need to demonstrate conversational dominance if he’s challenged?  One on one, since I have no interest in conversational dominance, he may not feel the need to talk so much.  But when any of the others are about, he talks.  Admittedly, if he didn’t, either of the other two certainly would.  So, maybe this is actually his way of asserting himself as the Alpha?  This is about the best theory I now have, unless a mixed explanation is the reality.

Humans are complex enough creatures that it may well be a mixture of self-defense, alpha dominance, reading signals I’m not seeing since I’m not speaking, and sheer crowd-wowwing.  Whatever the true case, the Alpha Bore can be very decent company at dinner, so long as nobody else is there.

Posted in Human Nature, Manners | Print | No Comments »

November 3, 2007 by fbk.

In an earlier post, I mentioned the idea of a companionable silence.  One of the twentieth century’s greatest Presidents was “Silent” Cal Coolidge.  It was reported that he’d sit with one of his friends for hours.  Just sitting, not talking.

There’s an old saying, “It’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and confirm it.”

As I get older, I note more and more that very few people are really that much alike.  The things that energize one person might bore, bore, bore most everyone else.  It is a priceless treasure to find someone who is really and truly interested in the things that you’re interested in.  I believe that 99% of conversations are spent with one or more people bored half out of their minds and ready to strangle the other conversants.  I also note that many people are not terribly good listeners.  They think that they have a lot to say, but know more than the people with whom they’re speaking, so why listen?  I overhear conversations with one person going on-and-on while others search for escape routes.  I hear people talking at cross purposes and one-upping each other with stories and ideas.  I listen.

I suppose I still talk a lot, but it seems less with each passing year.  Do people really want to hear what I say?  Maybe not, so why say it?  If someone asks to know something, I’ll explain.  But we’re in a world of chatter.  We drown in words of brine, words that are only too much, but do not satisfy the thirst.  Words more often seem to lead to miscommunication than communication.  Would it really hurt to just sit awhile, like “Silent” Cal, with friends without talking, just thinking?

Posted in Human Nature, Manners | Print | No Comments »

September 11, 2007 by fbk.

It is ever a mystery to me that a bore doesn’t know he’s a bore.  There is an old saying, “God gave you two ears and only one mouth.”  One should listen more than one talks.  But the bore never seems to notice that he’s the only one talking, or that he walks over what anyone else tries to say.  I believe the first quote was of Jewish origins.  A Chinese quote goes, “The wind doesn’t blow all day.  (And neither should you.)”  Another bit of wisdom for the common bore, or even the boorish bore: “Knowing something is not a license to tell it to everyone you meet.”

I have eaten dinner tonight, once again, with the Alpha Bore.  This is a man who thinks it only proper for him to be 95% of the conversation in every conversation.  Whatever subject comes up, he has a story that relates it back to one of his pet subjects.  The only time he wasn’t dominating the conversation was when he went to the lavatory, and for all I know, he might have had a conversation there.  The other gentleman we were with can also be a bore, although he is a minor leaguer compared to the Alpha Bore.  Even he could barely get a word in edgewise.  Both of these are intelligent men.  But they seem not to have off buttons.  Maybe it is that they can’t abide silence?

I like pauses in conversations.  I like companionable silences.   More and more as I get older, I find I don’t really have a need to talk.  I’d rather watch people at other tables.  I don’t mind a true conversation with back and forth between all parties.   But I have seldom regretted silence.

I shall not go to dinner with the Alpha Bore again.  Life is too short for that.  I shall seek quieter company…

…those who can abide a pause and silence.

Posted in Advice, Human Nature, Manners | Print | No Comments »

July 20, 2007 by Lola.

Do you feel like you are one of the “Nice Guys” that always comes in last? Do you feel whiny, pathetic and in need of everyone’s pity because of this? Do you never get the girl / job / house / milkshake of your dreams because of this? Then this blog is dedicated to you.

I would like to explain two things to these supposed Nice Guys, something that may clear it up for them, so that they may stop annoying me with their complaints about how wretched their lives are.

1).  There is actually no such thing is a completely pure and imperfection-free Nice Guy. Everyone on the planet has something about them, something they do or even think about that is not very Nice. It’s called Being a Human. So stop wandering around with the Saintly Syndrome, thinking we are blessed indeed to have you in our presence, just because you don’t abuse people or you go to church every Sunday. 

2).  The whole distinction between the Nice Guy and the Bad Boy (cue the oooooo’s and gasps) is really tired and out-dated. Getting what you want and living the most amazing life you can has nothing to do with being a Nice Guy. In case you have been living under a rock for the past 20 or so years, the world doesn’t work like that. You can be the most extraordinary, wonderful, super-duper, awesomely stupendous guy on the planet. How am I supposed to know that if you won’t even open your mouth?

No, what it’s really about is having self-confidence, belief that you are someone incredible and have something to contribute to the world. Come on guys! You want that hot girl? Talk to her, get her interested in you, and dare I say, be brave and make the first move.

I’ll give you a moment to recover from that last suggestion, while I tell you about my experience. I am about to give up on a Nice Guy because he just won’t ask me out. He likes me, and I can tell, but he just won’t make a move. I have to continually do the asking and I can’t stand it anymore. Maybe he has issues, maybe he’s been emotionally ravaged by a past relationship and he can’t handle rejection. Well, if there’s someone over the age of 18 who doesn’t feel exactly the same way, please raise your hands. No takers? As I thought.

Nice Guys, get over yourselves. Grow up and stop acting like little boys and maybe someone will actually give you a chance, because while you have that whole gripey, wimpery thing going on, no-one, including the hot girl you saw this morning, is going to touch you with a ten-foot barge pole.

Posted in Advice, Human Nature | Print | No Comments »

July 11, 2007 by fbk.

When in a group of people working on a document together, it is best to let the dullest at the table actually make changes to the document.  This assures more clarity since s/he won’t usually write the change out until s/he understands what s/he needs to write.  When the dullard gets it, everyone gets it.

Posted in Advice, Human Nature | Print | No Comments »

July 10, 2007 by Lola.

Let’s chat about those totally, like, awesome, like, social butterflies, Paris and Nicole, the latest train-wrecks in Hollyweird, because the world hasn’t quite spoken about them enough yet. It’s virtually impossible to pick which one is more deranged and confused, but hey, after a quick coin toss, Ms. Hilton landed face up. Lucky girl.

So Paris has had a, *cough* fascinating life…. besides being completely spoilt and absolutely useless, let’s delve straight into the infamous prison sentence. Instead of being a big girl about it and just doing the time she was ordered to do, and then using it to her advantage (she’s allowed), she turns into some whiney, whinging little twit who suddenly suffers various nameless psychological problems and must go home immediately! For someone who constantly deals with the public and its perception of her, she can be really brainless. 

She finally decides to be “brave” (before the crowd starts gathering outside with their pitchforks) and does her time. She never looks in a mirror (because there most likely wasn’t one), fears her food will be poisoned and finds God. Not bad for 23 days. Will Paris finally change her ways? Apparently not. One week out of prison she goes on Larry King, is suspected of lying during the whole interview and now she’s back on the LA party scene. She might consider taking up a hobby that, for once, doesn’t involve DRUGS, DRINKING AND DRIVING. D is not a lucky letter for you girl, get a clue!

Then we have the lovely Ms. Richie. Also in a wee bit o’ trouble for her alcoholic ways and thus also possibly facing some prison time, and now pregnant. There are a few reasons for this “unexpected” pregnancy circulating, the favourite of which seems to be that she planned it to stay out of prison. Well, who am I to judge, but I think this whole pregnancy trend going around is completely ridiculous.

Now I am not a traditional girl, since I don’t believe much in marriage and I’m fine with single moms. But come on, STOP HAVING BABIES!!! The world has enough inhabitants now, you can stop procreating. And stop having Accident Babies. I’m starting to think that nobody gets taught sex ed. anymore! Nicole seems to be one of these people, she’s known her boyfriend for all of five minutes and now they’re having a kid. Is that really the life she wants? Oh wait, it’s not her life that might be awful, so no, she probably doesn’t care.

These are the people we see every day. They’re not necessarily those that we look up to (because who would actually want to?), although even our “leaders”, moral and political, have their fair share of scandals… affairs, corruption, extramarital babies, drugs and alcohol abuse. But we do see them everyday, and like it or not, we seem to be following their lead. The Simple-Minded Madness has to stop!!

Posted in Music, Television, Movies, Human Nature, Culture | Print | No Comments »

July 7, 2007 by Lola.

My very first curmudgeonly blog… I’m quite excited. But not excited enough to take away from how extremely angry I am right now. My first Cranky Chapter will be about people… human nature I suppose. Not exactly Pop Culture, although being a complete idiot definitely seems to be popular these days.

I am so tired of people using their life circumstances as an excuse to cover everything. Everything they should do, could do, even things they actually want to do. They seem to think the world should relieve them of having to be a productive person, because things are tough. Be as rude, lazy, aggressive and unfriendly as you like, we understand, because life is not as fantabulous as you’d like it to be. Kids, let me fill you in. Everyone’s life is tough, we all have our problems and troubles and things that drive us nuts and bring us down. But if we all sat around feeling permanently sorry for ourselves, how would anything ever get done? You might as well go and sit in the corner and die quietly, for all you’re contributing to the world.

The biggest defence that circulates these days is our pasts. People complain and moan about the fact that their daddy wasn’t around when they were two years old (really? You can really remember that far back? I can barely remember what I was doing last week!). Or they claim they abuse their children because it happened to them when they were little ones. They take drugs and drink themselves into a coma because they didn’t get a job they applied for, or they try to kill themselves over a lover that’s jilted them. All very terrible things, I’m sure, but GET OVER IT.

But the best is yet to come, because there are those that use their past as an alibi for something totally unrelated. For example, “I had a really bad childhood (how much more vague could you be?), so I’m really sorry if my poetry and writing sucks. I know it does, it’s so awful actually.” Alright… then why are you still writing? If you believe your work is so disgusting, why would you want to inflict it on other human beings? Because you don’t really believe it, what you’re really looking for is someone to flood you with compliments and make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Someone to validate you, in other words. If someone really does think you’ve done a dreadful job of it, then you can just haul out the bad childhood excuse. Puh-lease! 

I can’t stand people like that, they annoy me endlessly. Life sucks a lot of the time, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles! Instead of letting it beat you into a pulp or turn you into a raving lunatic, get up again. Dust yourself off and punch back! There are people out there who are suffering much more than you are. For the most part, we have it pretty good, so either pull yourself towards yourself, or stay away from me. I would hate to catch the Idiocy Illness.

Posted in Human Nature | Print | No Comments »