Corn’s a Little Thin this Year

November 3, 2007 by fbk.

We at the Attila the Hun School of Fashion and Institute of Fashion Faux Pas Research are proud to bring you the latest in fashions that shouldn’t be.

We have long been observing two fashion trends in hairstyles that shouldn’t be, to wit, the cornrow and the use of hair gels by men with thinning hair.  Now, while it’s true that cornrows may be a fairly natural thing to do with hair of a certain consistency and kinkiness, it takes some getting used to, and perhaps, should not extend too far beyond the scalp in those small pigtail braids.  Hair gel, on the other hand, is a trend that can certainly thin out and control a full, rich, thick head of hair, such as Bill Clinton’s.  However, on a man that is even slightly thin on top, it exacerbates the condition to the point where the gent looks like a refugee from the combover academy.

So imagine, if you will, a gentleman of African descent of a certain age, that specific certain point in early middle age where one is not yet ready to shave one’s head, but where things are definitely thinning on top.  The point where so many men of European descent mistakenly are still using gel rather than letting their hair look its fullest.  Now, imagine this fellow who is thinning on top to have his hair in cornrows.  Let’s just say that the weather has been dry this year and corn has been lost in more than just the American Southeast.

So, we at the Attila the Hun School of Fashion and Institute of Fashion Faux Pas Research would like to encourage gentlemen with thinning hair not to embrace the cornrow fashion.  A picture of yourself taken at such a time in life while you are still in denial about your hair situation might later preclude you from getting a security clearance.  (”Can anyone blackmail you?”  “Well, there are those pictures from when I had the cornrows with an inch space between them on top of my head…”)  Men who are balding only really have three possible directions to go:

1. The Ben Franklin: Temporarily banned until another bad hair decade like the 1970’s, or unless you are an actor who often takes Ben Franklin roles or interpretations down at the historical museum.
2. The used-to-be-high and tight.  Most balding men look their best having embraced the fact that they aren’t going to ever look like the svelt young actors with full heads of hair.  If it’s going or gone on top, you might as well keep the rest of the hair short, perhaps letting more migrate down to the chin.
3. The Glorious Globe of Perfection.  For a man who is serious enough to pull it off, the chrome dome is a wonderful look.  This is generally not recommended for out-of-shape men who have a high roundness factor.  Patrick Stewart, yes; Willard Scott, no.

Consider this tip just one more service that the Attila the Hun Schools bring you.

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