November 12, 2009 by fbk.

I’m going to change my name to “None of the Above” and run for President in 2012.  You?

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November 3, 2007 by fbk.

We at the Attila the Hun School of Fashion and Institute of Fashion Faux Pas Research are proud to bring you the latest in fashions that shouldn’t be.

We have long been observing two fashion trends in hairstyles that shouldn’t be, to wit, the cornrow and the use of hair gels by men with thinning hair.  Now, while it’s true that cornrows may be a fairly natural thing to do with hair of a certain consistency and kinkiness, it takes some getting used to, and perhaps, should not extend too far beyond the scalp in those small pigtail braids.  Hair gel, on the other hand, is a trend that can certainly thin out and control a full, rich, thick head of hair, such as Bill Clinton’s.  However, on a man that is even slightly thin on top, it exacerbates the condition to the point where the gent looks like a refugee from the combover academy.

So imagine, if you will, a gentleman of African descent of a certain age, that specific certain point in early middle age where one is not yet ready to shave one’s head, but where things are definitely thinning on top.  The point where so many men of European descent mistakenly are still using gel rather than letting their hair look its fullest.  Now, imagine this fellow who is thinning on top to have his hair in cornrows.  Let’s just say that the weather has been dry this year and corn has been lost in more than just the American Southeast.

So, we at the Attila the Hun School of Fashion and Institute of Fashion Faux Pas Research would like to encourage gentlemen with thinning hair not to embrace the cornrow fashion.  A picture of yourself taken at such a time in life while you are still in denial about your hair situation might later preclude you from getting a security clearance.  (”Can anyone blackmail you?”  “Well, there are those pictures from when I had the cornrows with an inch space between them on top of my head…”)  Men who are balding only really have three possible directions to go:

1. The Ben Franklin: Temporarily banned until another bad hair decade like the 1970’s, or unless you are an actor who often takes Ben Franklin roles or interpretations down at the historical museum.
2. The used-to-be-high and tight.  Most balding men look their best having embraced the fact that they aren’t going to ever look like the svelt young actors with full heads of hair.  If it’s going or gone on top, you might as well keep the rest of the hair short, perhaps letting more migrate down to the chin.
3. The Glorious Globe of Perfection.  For a man who is serious enough to pull it off, the chrome dome is a wonderful look.  This is generally not recommended for out-of-shape men who have a high roundness factor.  Patrick Stewart, yes; Willard Scott, no.

Consider this tip just one more service that the Attila the Hun Schools bring you.

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September 11, 2007 by fbk.

It is ever a mystery to me that a bore doesn’t know he’s a bore.  There is an old saying, “God gave you two ears and only one mouth.”  One should listen more than one talks.  But the bore never seems to notice that he’s the only one talking, or that he walks over what anyone else tries to say.  I believe the first quote was of Jewish origins.  A Chinese quote goes, “The wind doesn’t blow all day.  (And neither should you.)”  Another bit of wisdom for the common bore, or even the boorish bore: “Knowing something is not a license to tell it to everyone you meet.”

I have eaten dinner tonight, once again, with the Alpha Bore.  This is a man who thinks it only proper for him to be 95% of the conversation in every conversation.  Whatever subject comes up, he has a story that relates it back to one of his pet subjects.  The only time he wasn’t dominating the conversation was when he went to the lavatory, and for all I know, he might have had a conversation there.  The other gentleman we were with can also be a bore, although he is a minor leaguer compared to the Alpha Bore.  Even he could barely get a word in edgewise.  Both of these are intelligent men.  But they seem not to have off buttons.  Maybe it is that they can’t abide silence?

I like pauses in conversations.  I like companionable silences.   More and more as I get older, I find I don’t really have a need to talk.  I’d rather watch people at other tables.  I don’t mind a true conversation with back and forth between all parties.   But I have seldom regretted silence.

I shall not go to dinner with the Alpha Bore again.  Life is too short for that.  I shall seek quieter company…

…those who can abide a pause and silence.

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July 20, 2007 by Lola.

Do you feel like you are one of the “Nice Guys” that always comes in last? Do you feel whiny, pathetic and in need of everyone’s pity because of this? Do you never get the girl / job / house / milkshake of your dreams because of this? Then this blog is dedicated to you.

I would like to explain two things to these supposed Nice Guys, something that may clear it up for them, so that they may stop annoying me with their complaints about how wretched their lives are.

1).  There is actually no such thing is a completely pure and imperfection-free Nice Guy. Everyone on the planet has something about them, something they do or even think about that is not very Nice. It’s called Being a Human. So stop wandering around with the Saintly Syndrome, thinking we are blessed indeed to have you in our presence, just because you don’t abuse people or you go to church every Sunday. 

2).  The whole distinction between the Nice Guy and the Bad Boy (cue the oooooo’s and gasps) is really tired and out-dated. Getting what you want and living the most amazing life you can has nothing to do with being a Nice Guy. In case you have been living under a rock for the past 20 or so years, the world doesn’t work like that. You can be the most extraordinary, wonderful, super-duper, awesomely stupendous guy on the planet. How am I supposed to know that if you won’t even open your mouth?

No, what it’s really about is having self-confidence, belief that you are someone incredible and have something to contribute to the world. Come on guys! You want that hot girl? Talk to her, get her interested in you, and dare I say, be brave and make the first move.

I’ll give you a moment to recover from that last suggestion, while I tell you about my experience. I am about to give up on a Nice Guy because he just won’t ask me out. He likes me, and I can tell, but he just won’t make a move. I have to continually do the asking and I can’t stand it anymore. Maybe he has issues, maybe he’s been emotionally ravaged by a past relationship and he can’t handle rejection. Well, if there’s someone over the age of 18 who doesn’t feel exactly the same way, please raise your hands. No takers? As I thought.

Nice Guys, get over yourselves. Grow up and stop acting like little boys and maybe someone will actually give you a chance, because while you have that whole gripey, wimpery thing going on, no-one, including the hot girl you saw this morning, is going to touch you with a ten-foot barge pole.

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July 11, 2007 by fbk.

When in a group of people working on a document together, it is best to let the dullest at the table actually make changes to the document.  This assures more clarity since s/he won’t usually write the change out until s/he understands what s/he needs to write.  When the dullard gets it, everyone gets it.

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